me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
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Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Okay, I’m still confused…
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.