when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
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Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.