Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
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No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
But wait…
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.