Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
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I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]