Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
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Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
Legend 🤣🤣
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
Pass gas, not judgment.
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.