Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
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Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.