Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
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alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
Black Friday “markdowns” like
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.