This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
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The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
As the Lord intended
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving