ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
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“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
The news is so predictable nowadays
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
Me trying to “trust the process”
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.