life finds a way
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I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
his wife is probably gonna see that
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”