me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
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What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
🔦🌙👣
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao