Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
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given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
Harsh but fair
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
Nothing.
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.