me linking you to my twitter
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GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]