If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
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My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
honestly, i need both:
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door