[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
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After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
Brilliant!
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.