Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
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idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
Great acting.. 😂
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
Always a housemaid, never a house.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.