Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
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Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
respect
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.