Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
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Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive