*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
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*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
How do you milk an almond?