Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
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The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
#CoronaOutbreak
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”