Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
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My dad.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?