ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
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“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore