ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
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[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.