Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
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Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet