1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
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I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
i spent way too long on this
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer