Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
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I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
lol
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.