me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
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*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.