Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
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You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂