Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
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My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
I feel seen.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Found the job I’m suited for
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”