Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
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When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
@funTweeters
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix