Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
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I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
adding to the discourse
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game