Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
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GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
Realize this:
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses