Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
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[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
He is just living hist best little life 😊