Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
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Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
Happy thanksgiving!
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.