ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
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*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.