Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
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[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
ok this is my dumbest yet
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!