Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
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In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
If I ignore life will it go away?
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
They got a point!
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.