Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
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[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me: