Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
You Might Also Like
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
Ovenable?
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
How do you milk an almond?
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.