Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
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Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
based al yankovic
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.