Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
You Might Also Like
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
mood
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you