Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
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DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?