ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
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As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada