ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
You Might Also Like
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…