ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
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Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Mhm.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.