ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
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Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
I got bills
They’re multiplying
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*