Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
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Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
not seeing the problem
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.