Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
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Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
*checks Timeline*…
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person