Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
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There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.