ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
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It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
This January has 47 Mondays
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.