me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
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doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.